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It is my hope that you will be inspired by the trials, tribulations and stories I share here.
today I am grateful for:
1. Waking up from my scary Godzilla-esque dream to discover that the city was not, in fact, under crazy attack!
2. Successfully completing two training runs in a row! (Last night was 8 miles, today was 3 miles).
3. Dinner at one of my favorite vegan comfort foods spots, Native Foods Cafe. Yummy salad with shaved peppercorn tempeh, roasted corn and grilled veggies. So good!!!
4. A over all encouraging meeting with the CAPS group for beat 1933. We discovered that’s not our district, but still learned a lot and it was really nice to meet up with local Chicago officers who were more than willing to talk and work with the community!!
5. Making the manfriend laugh so hard that he had years streaming down his face AND got the hiccups. THAT, my friends, is a big accomplishment!
It’s the little things, you know?Read More
Last month I was excited to join in on an Instagram sketchbook challenge of drawing a pattern a day for every day of the month. The #patternadaydec group was awesome and being a part of it really got my creative juices flowing. I did more drawing/sketching/doodling in one month than I had done probably a whole year! (Sad, but true.)
Some patterns were more inspired than others, but the point is that I DID one for every day of the month!! It’s helped unlock me creatively in so many ways, and that made me feel happier and more alive thank I have in a while. Kind of in a similar way that exercise released endorphins make you feel great – working on this challenge had a similar affect on me! It’ll be nice to go back and see how I progressed throughout the year because now I’ve decided that I am doing my own sketchbook challenge for each month! Each month it’ll be a new theme of my choosing, and at the end of the month, I’ll post examples of them all here! This month’s challenge is #doodleadayjan which you can check out for yourself on Instagram!
But for now and without further adieu, may I present to you last month’s patterns!!!
today I am grateful for…
TGIF EVERYONE!!Read More
Today I am grateful for:
Today I am grateful for:
Today, I am grateful for…
Lately, I’ve been so horrified by the weight I’ve gained in the past year and a half that I almost feel hopeless that I’ll ever look strong and healthy again. It’s hard not to feel badly about ourself like this, especially when you have to start wearing your “fat clothes” because your regular pants won’t go all the way up your leg anymore and then worse still when those pants stop fitting. Ugh, it’s a horrible horrible feeling.
I’ve been steadily gaining weight (fat, not muscle) for the past 18 months up from a solid 120/125 to 142 (on a “good” day). My doctor first thought it might be a thyroid issue, but turns out it seems to be the killer combo of stress, poor diet (as in not enough vegetables), lack of exercise and terrible sleep habits. You’d be amazed to see how small to normal size my portions of relatively healthy foods have been the past few weeks and still see that I’m getting chubbier by the hour.
So some nights, I lay awake, terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. It reminds me of when I was a young girl – horribly uncomfortable with myself. First I was too lanky with knobby knees, then I was too tall, then my bust didn’t fill out (at ALL) the way others girls did and then finally I got the crazy idea in my head that I was fat. Honest to goodness, I was a 5’8″, 115lb twig and I would look in the mirror and see an obese version of myself staring back. I’ve always had issues with my thunder thighs (saddle bags run in the family as does a long line of women shaped like pears – flat up top, ROUND on the bottom), uuuugh, and to see that (real or imagined) reflected back in the mirror used to crush my soul.
But when I was a teen and early 20 something, I didn’t even have the issues I do now – I fluctuated between a dress size of 2 and 4. Today? HA! Let’s just say, I’ve gone up a few sizes and move on…
This is all part of why I’m starting up with this blog – a blog about transformation and reinvention. I believe in it so strongly when it comes to other people, yet never give myself a chance to put the positive energies and thoughts to the test. Instead, I lay awake at night feeling my stomach and wondering where my flat abs disappeared to, or I feel around my rib cage and squeeze the layers of fat until I’m so disgusted I could spit. Or cry. It’s not helpful, in fact it’s definitely harmful to my mental and physical health, and I think it’s safe to assume none of you would think this a positive form of motivation.
I don’t want to be that worried girl I was back in the day, scarcely eating and then purging when I did, constantly battling migraines and insomnia. NO WAY! NOT ANYMORE!!! It’s time for serious change; a healthy change. Thus the blog. And in this blog, I will document the daily struggles, challenges and triumphs, the ups and downs of my physical transformation!
Today I went for a three mile run. It was a slow and arduous three miles, but I did it and saw it through to the end. It’s a small step in the right direction, but the most important point to focus on here is that it WAS a step!! They say you can’t become a good runner if your only motivation is to fit into your skinny jeans or to have a hot body, and I agree – but that doesn’t mean it can’t be one of the motivating factors right?
So today I ran, tomorrow I’ll rest. Wednesday I’ll run again and Thursday I’ll do some cross training. But it doesn’t just stop with me working out – I also need to change my mental game and attitude. I can’t beat myself up anymore and focus so intensely on everything I find wrong about myself. I need to love myself more, including my body as imperfect as I may think it is. So tonight, instead of disgusting myself by squeezing the extra inches of flesh hanging off my frame, I’ll turn my thoughts to more positive ones like how great it will feel when I start getting stronger and am able to do longer runs at a moderate pace. I’ll think about what that strength looks like physically when my old clothes start to fit me again, and how with real effort and consistent exercise I’ll be able to retire those “fat jeans” for good – because this time around there are no crash diets, starvation tricks or weight loss gimmicks, just healthy lifestyle adjustments and a commitment to transforming myself in the most positive of ways with the solid understanding that the change I seek takes time… a lot of time and patience. But I’ll mostly just focus on the benefits and rewards of building up a strong body again.
Oh yeah, and I might imagine what it will feel like to rock a dress like this one…
Sweet dreams dearies…